Sunday, February 7 2021

'from the homework vault: two skits'



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El Ladron

I wrote this first skit for pair assignment in Spanish class, handing it in on March 13, 2007. We were learning vocabulary about banks and money, so I thought it would be funny to make a skit about a bank teller who doesn't realize he's being held up and keeps trying to open a checking account for the gun wielding thief. Even with such an innocent premise, incorporating any comedy at all was a risk in my Sophomore Spanish class. My Spanish teacher was a proud and serious Spaniard. She stood at least two heads below me, but her angry glare was all she needed to make us squirm in our seats like nervous grade schoolers. I hadn't seen her crack a smile all year until the last scene in my stupid play where the bank teller draws a gun of his own and says, "No, give me all your money!" After an excruciating five seconds of silence, I heard a small a ja ja ja ja from the back of the classroom. She found it funny. I didn't push my luck after that. I wisely hung up the Spanish class comedic relief and stuck to boring text book examples.


[Guillermo va al banco con un pistol en su mochila. Quiere que robar el banco.]

Banquero: Hola! En que puede servirle?

Guillermo: Buenas dias! Dame su dinero, por favor.

Banquero: Desculpen? Pide que pedir un prestamo?

Guillermo: No gracias, Senor. Quiero su dinero, por favor.

Banquero: Te gusta en dinero efectivo o en un cheque?

Guillermo: Uh, en un cheque, por favor.

Banquero: Esta bien. Neccesita abrir una cuenta corrienta.

Guillermo: Que?

Banquero: Tiene que completar este formulario. Es tu primera cuenta corriente? La felicito, Amigo!

Guillermo: DAME EL DINERO AHORA!

Banquero: Aqui tiene su libreta de cheques.

Guillermo: [Esgrime un pistol] AH!

Banquero: [Esgrime dos pistolas] No senor. Dame su dinero!

Billy Sunday

This was for Senior year American Literature, 2009. We had to present on some essays written by the great baseball loving evangelist Billy Sunday. Instead of every person taking turns describing something about an essay, I thought it would be funny if we did it in the form of a skit. The five of us pretend to be a college admissions office reviewing applicants and we happen to stumble across some essays written by Billy Sunday.


[Four board members sitting beside each other. They stretch and yawn, as if exhausted]

Alex: Another application. Another failure. We’re actually defying odds at this point.

Josh: For the love of wisdom! There must be one half-competent mind worthy of attending my school. I didn’t build the Academy for the Godless and Pretentious in its entire prestige and splendor to entertain brainless aristocrats and trust fund brats.

Kaley: What? I didn’t see any of your kids in this stack…

Kristen: [peeks in through door] Are you ready to review another applicant?

Josh: Let’s hear it. Who is he?

Kristen: The young scholar’s name is Billy Sunday. His recommendation calls him “the greatest evangelist since Paul.”

Sammy: Oh, fantastic! Another Bible-thumping, intolerant, self-righteous Christian!

Kristen: He was orphaned at a young age, but found God and eventually grew to become one of the most influential, dynamic leaders of Christianity in the turn of the twentieth century. He wrote two essays [passes out sheets of paper]. The first essay he titles “Nuts for Skeptics to Crack.” [leaves].

Sammy: Hey! That’s us! We’re certainly a couple of skeptics.

Josh: Oh ho ho… so crack these nuts we shall! [Pompous laughter from those two].

Kaley: “What harm has the gospel of Jesus ever done the world…”

Sammy: “… let the atheists and materialists and agnostics or any other kind of a ‘tic’ who doesn’t believe it produce a better book, if he can…”

Josh: “…don’t you find fault with God and His Word and the creation of the world, you poor idiot, when you don’t know beans about a fly.”

Alex: This is infuriating…

Josh: …ignorant…

Sammy: …inconsiderate…

Kaley: …but probably the best we’ve seen today.

Alex: I see he went with the age-old theme of defending Christianity. Apologetics, and what not. At least his tone is down-to-earth and informative. Lots of charisma.

Kaley: It’s almost admirable – that he’d show so much enthusiasm in defending something so stupid as Christianity.

Alex: Too many common examples – houseflies and baseball. Why is he talking so much about foolish things that have nothing to do with science? Science is supposed to be intimidating, confusing, and vague. He’s to simple and literal.

Sammy: I was particularly offended when he claimed mankind could never write anything as beautiful as the “Bible.” I’ve read ample books that surpass it even on an elementary level.

Kaley: Have you even read the Bible?

Sammy: I’ve… heard of it…

Kaley: Ouch. Too lazy to read it, are you? I believe Mr. Sunday provides an admonishment against this. Not many people actually sit down to read it.

Sammy: Look at you, so high and mighty – the esteemed professor of “humanities.” I’d like to know exactly what “humanities” actually describes. Do you do anything?

Kaley: [Chuckles] No. And they still pay me much more than a literature professor.

Alex: That was low.

Josh: Enough. I don’t think Mr. Sunday accomplished much in this essay. He’s much too obsessed with this book, the Bible. Let’s read his “This Wonderful Temple.”

Sammy: “I entered into this wonderful temple called Christianity…”

Kaley: “…the Spirit of God struck the keyboard of my nature…”

Josh: “…I passed into the business office of Proverbs and the chapel of Ecclesiastes, where the voice of the preacher was heard…”

All: “…Be merciful to me, a sinner”!?

Alex: I think I’m going to be sick. More Bible.

Sammy: I think he is walking through the Bible with some bad-tasting metaphors.

Kaley: You know, Headmaster, I think he’s telling us what he looks for in a college…

Josh: Oh curses! If this is the kind of school he wants, I will not entertain the thought of his admission any further. Mr. Sunday has been rejected.

Sammy: Something tells me he wouldn’t have like it here anyway.

Kristen: [Enters] Are you ready to review a Mr. Charles Darwin?

Alex: This one’s going to be good. I can feel it.